Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,
I'm sorry this is in a letter instead of a heart-to-heart conversation but I have to get some things off my chest.

1. If you absolutely have to cut my fingernails, please leave my thumb alone. That thumb is my "flavor saver". I won't enjoy sucking on it when it tastes so bland, which also means I won't go to sleep without a fight.

2. I know I have gorgeous, long eyelashes but please stop telling people I'm going to "make a little girl or boy very happy one day". I'm afraid they won't appreciate your liberal viewpoint and instead think I'm a hermaphrodite.

3. Please stop shoving my feet in my face and telling me to eat my toes. God put feet on the opposite end of our body for a reason... and that reason is feet smell bad.

4. I really hate the "I'm a banana" song. Please stop singing it while making me dance. It gets stuck in my head and the dancing makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. You only showed me the video of it once and it still haunts my dreams. (here is the video I'm talking about if any of you don't believe me, but don't say I didn't warn you)


5. Please don't be "helpful" and rearrange my blankets. I don't care if I look tangled up in them, if they're covering my eyes, or if they're only covering part of my body... if I'm sleeping peacefully and obviously breathing, I put them there for a reason. So stop it! ... unless I'm having the "I'm a banana" video nightmare. Then you can "help" me.

Last but not least...

6. I'm already self conscious of the soft spot on my head. You don't have to make it worse by telling people "you can see his brains pulse!" and mention I'd be easy pickins for a zombie. Would you rather start saving up for college or saving up for therapy. You decide.


But thank you for everything else that you do. ;-)